so....did you watch eastenders last night (sorry for those not in the uk who dont get it)

Last nights programme was like the memorys that i have after having Bethany. it was almost like watching a video of when she was born, except i'm not honey and kevins not Billy.

I had to sit through 2 visiting times and not be able to say what had happened to the baby as I had my nanna in the afternoon, who was off on holiday the next morning, and nanna and grandad in the evening. It eventually took my dad 6 weeks to tell my nanna and grandad that bethany had downs, as my nanna was very much like me a very emotional person, and even then they were only told as beyhany was being chrisyened and it would of been hard to try and hide it from them at the church and party afterwards.

nanny came straight round the next morning to see bethany for a look! lol. grandad didnt say much. she was the first greatgrandchild on both sides and the first girl on my mothers side since me so she was very special to all my grandparents. mums dad never got to see her.

I think a lot of the problems i had when i had bethany were because it was unnoticed during pregnancy, like honey.

you go through so many emotions all at one, shock, grief, sad, cross and yes happyness!! I did have a lot of that, still do!

When i was pregnant with both my boys i opted to have an amniocentisis. we were told after bethany that as there was no history of downs we were high risk of having another baby with problems. not neccessarily downs but anything chromosonal. Both boys came back as healthy...lol charlie had ADHD butI can live with that. The dilemma i had both times though was what would i do if anything ever came back positive! If i had of got a positive result would that of been fair on me.....or bethany?What if i had of had the tests and lost the baby, that is one of the risks, and it came back as a healty result?

 the night before i went in to have the test with Bryce i sobbed and sobbed to my friend....i wasnt going, i didnt want to know if anything was wrong. eventually after much disscussion she managed to convince me that i was right. I had it done, it was a nightmare much more painful than with charlie. was flat on my back for 36 hours afterwards.

I can honestly say i never ever expected my life to turn out like htis, but it IS getting better. since I have had Bryce my life has had a purpose again.

I want to thank you all for being so patient with me the last couple of days. I havent felt well now for a few weeks now and decided last night that maybe a trip to the doctor is needed to get some lovely prozac again just for a few weeks until i feel calm again. I dont feel calm much at the moment and my sleep is all over the place. will get myself sorted for sure this week.

I would like to wish Jeannette a wonderful birthday today, she was the reason i started my journal, and although sometimes i dont do an entry for a bit, I am always here, and have made some lovely friends, and it is all thanks to her. so you enjoy your day with the family Jeannette and give your boys a big squeeze from me!

Thanks for listening again everybody

Love you all

Joanne