Sunday, 20 November 2005

good morning to all my friends.

It is so quiet in my house! Charlieboy stayed and mum and dads last night and its soooooooo peacefull here without him. Don't get me wrong, I adore the boy, but at the moment if Charlieboy and Bet-Bet are anywhere near each other it id like a war zone. They act as if they truly hate each other! They grit their teeth and just stare. Its quite scary at times! He will be back later...after Bet-Bet has gone to respite for the afternoon!

I have got loads to do today. Bet-Bet is off for her monthly stay away from home. She will leave in the morning in the taxi for school and come home after school on Wednesday. She enjoys her stays away as she gets to go out after school and have loads of fun. She is into shouting at the top of her voice at the moment! So it will seem really peaceful when she is away.

When she was born it was the worst week of my life. I was so excited to be having a baby, and was convinced it would be a girl. I had a horrendous lasted 37 hours, she was eventually born with help from the consultant. I was so happy. My ex shouted its a boy! The midwife said no its a girl!! I was totally so happy, in fact it was the happiest moment of my life.

We both got cleaned up and put into a side room. I thought it was strange that they did this...but then thought maybe its because i had a rough time. Mum and Dad came to visit. Bethany was the first grandchild. Mum was as excited as me. While they were with us a Dr came. 'I understand you were concered about your babies eyes', he said to Kevin. 'Her eyes look different to my other 2 when they were born' he replied. so i shouted at him....'WHAT DO YOU EXPECT SHE IS GOING TO LOOK LIKE...SHE HAS JUST BEEN PULLED OUT OF ME WITH BIG BIG LUMPS OF METAL ROUND HER HEAD....MR DR GO AWAY SHE IS FINE!'

So off they all went and i fell fast asleep. when i woke up i looked at Bethany...yes she did look a little different to how i expected. 'Don't be silly your tired and haven't slept for days' I told myself.

well, to cut a long story short the peadiatrician came in the morning, looked at Betbet and decided she needed tests as her heart didn't sound right. When i ,amaged to talk i asked him 'Does my baby have downs syndrome?'....'Yes we think she there anyone we could get to come and sit with you' Yes you guessed right...i was all on my own. No mum and

They took her off for tests on her heart...wouldn't let me go..apparently i was too upset!! When Kevin finally got there i was in such a state he thought she had died.

It has been hard having to cope with Bethany's downs...i have never really accepted it and probably never ever will, but we get on ok. Kevin isn't here anymore, he decided he would rather be a junkie than a daddy and a husband just after i had charlie.....his lose!

Today is clare and stuarts 5th anniversary.....Have a brilliant day guys! You are my best friend and i thank you for that. Thank you also for letting me into your lives and for allowing me to be Cory's godmother. I will always look out for him.

Tomorrow is Nan's anniversary. 4 years since she left us. I hope you are sleeping well nanny...i think about you everyday. I hope you and grandad are keeping each other warm. SWEET DREAMS FOREVER...SWEET DREAMS. I love you so much.

I hope you all have a truly lovely Sunday. See you all soon. Take care.



Thursday, 17 November 2005


Well i don't have any idea what is going on with these journals!

Last night mine had dissapeared...completely...and now it has come back again!


I will come do an entry later as Bet-Bet decided to be sick about 30 seconds before she got in her taxi this morning for school and she needs me!

Love and kisses to you all.




Sunday, 13 November 2005

a will

I haven't added my mood from the above it doesn't include confused.

I have recently been showing signs on a health problem. I finally went to the doctor in the week and have been refered to a neurologist. I came home and decided to look on the web at diagnostic heath thingy's. This was a big mistake! I have all the symptoms of MS. I have managed to convince myself of this. I hope to god it isn't...I have my babies to look after...if something ever happens to me what would happen to them.

The eldest 2's dad walks right past them in the street and doesn't acknowledge them in any way...i do not understand him...i would die if i didn't see them. The babies dad also doesn't have contact...he was a result of contraception that didn't work correctly...this is not an excuse...yes i know i should of been more careful. He's the best thing that has ever happened to me...he's given me a reason to live. Don't get me wrong i totally adore the other 2 and would walk to hell and back for them if needed...but my baby..................

My mum is convinced that my problem isn't neurological. Her sweet caring adorable nanna...suffered with the same was a result of furred up arteries. My foot is so painfull at the moment. I could hardly walk on it this morning when i fell out of bed.

Maybe i should just calm down take a deep breath and pull myself together.............sorry i'm writing this how i'm thinking it!

You must all think I am a hypercondriac! I have, if the truth be known been really well for ages, it is hard to be ill when you have three children to look after. I hate asking my mum and dad for clare is good to me. She is the sister i have never had. We are more like sisters than friends thats for sure.

Mum informed me yesterday that i should make a will so if anything ever happened to me the kids would be looked after...who is she trying to kid!! I made enquiries a while ago about one so they would have parental responsability for the kids if anything ever happened. The solicitor told me is wasn't worth the paper it was written on, and if anything ever happened to me the kids "fathers" could apply for guardianship even though they don't see the kids or support them in any way....So I am unsure as to what to do.

I will have to wait for my hospital appointment....haha will still be here in May 2006 waiting for it i expect!!

I hope you all have fantastic weekends.

Love you all too bits.



Sunday, 6 November 2005


good morning to everyone.

I hope you are all having a totally brilliant weekend.

Last night i took my son charlie boy to watch banger racing and fireworks at a stadium near to us. We had a totally excellent time. It was lovely to spend quality time with my boy...just the 2 of us... and thousands of other people, who we didn't know so they don't count!

The racing was really good and we saw several car crashes. I felt like i was 10 again. Quite a few of the adults must of thought i was a bit strange as i was jumping about and laughing like all the kids! Never mind you can tell i don't get out enough!!

They also had a stunt attempt. A man tried to drive a robin reliant through 10 caravans that were parked end to end. He only managed to get half way but it was good anyway. I felt quite sorry for him as a few people booed when he failed...I would like to of seen them try!

To finish the evening they had £5000 of fireworks. It was a really great evening and i have promised my boy we will go again soon...although not too much as it then stops being a special treat!

We came home to dear mummy, my babysitter for the evening, and the ONLY person i trust to look after my kids...apart from my bestest friend miss Clarabel!

This is where i become upset and rant and rave...sorry to you all now!


That feels better already. I have had to sit in my house for the best part of a week now listening to bangers going off at a completely ridiculous hour. It will carry on for days as yet so chances are i will become more and more frustrated on this matter.

What bothers me more than anything is that these fireworks are probably being set off by kids and are not being done the correct way. Don't get me wrong, I enjoy fireworks as much as the next the correct setting!

If i didn't have Bet-Bet and Baby Bryce i probably wouldn't let it wind me up so much, its just that the constant banging disturbs them. Bet-Bet doesn't like the load bangs as she doesn't understand...and Baby is a a baby so he can't work it out either!

Oh well we will have to put up with it for a few more days i expect then we will return to peace and quiet again!

Today is a bit of a sad day for me. It is 19 years since my lovely grandad passed over, so i will be thinking about that a lot today. I will visit mum and give her a great big hug...she will know what it is for. I couldn't imagine my life without them with me...I really don't know what i will do when that day comes. November is a bad month for me as it is also when my nanny died. I always seem to take a big nose dive about now. It always scares me when i feel like this. When nanna first died it tipped me over the edge and i had a full blown breakdown so i worry that it will happen again. i must think positive thought's...please keep reminding me of this! Happy thoughts are better i know but sometimes.......................

I hope you all enjoy your weekend.

Love and hugs to you all

grandad forever in my heart and always in my would of loved my babies...and they would of loved you. miss you still so much. kiss nanny for me. xXx