sorry

sorry sorry sorry sorry

I have been a very bad journaler! Haven't posted in ages. can't appologise to you all enough! Me and xmas just don't get on well i'm afraid. Makes me all depressed and lonely. I know I have my babies but sometimes i miss adult company at this time of year.

I'll even admit to you all that i shed a tear at midnight...silly i know!

I have decided that i am going to concentrate on the next 12 months positivly. No more looking back at all the rotten things that haunt me...but at all the nice things i have...my babies, my family and my friend Clare!

so here goes.......Happy Christmas

Happy new year.

My resolution is to post at least once a week. If it looks like i'm not keeping to this please send me an email to remind me!

See you all soon. Love you all lots and lots!!

Joanne

ps i have been reading all your journals...they have kept me going!!

xXx

THANKS YOU'S

GOOD EVENING TO YOU ALL.

I WANTED TO JUST STOP BY QUICKLY AND THANK YOU ALL FOR THE LOVELY COMMENTS THAT YOU ADDED FROM MY ENTRY YESTERDAY! IT MEANS SO MUCH TO ME WHAT YOU ALL PUT.

I DIDN'T DO MUCH TODAY. WENT TO IPSWICH FOR A NOSE AROUND THE SHOPS....WAS REALLY GOOD AND ONLY SPENT 10 POUNDS! MANAGED TO AVOID ALL THE SHOPS THAT I NORMALLY SPEND A FORTUNE IN SO WAS QUITE PLEASED WITH MYSELF!

I'M OFF TO VISIT CLARE TOMORROW FOR THE DAY. WE HAVEN'T SEEN MUCH OF EACHOTHER RECENTLY DUE TO ALL THE SICKNESS SO WE HAVE A LOT OF CATCHING UP TO DO!

I HAVE FINISHED MY XMAS SHOPPING....I THINK! I HAVE A NASTY THOUGHT THAT I HAVE FORGOTTEN SOMEBODY IMPORTANT! I CAN'T FOR THE LIFE OF ME THINK WHO IT IS THOUGH......THATS WHY I'VE FORGOTTEN OBVIOUSLY.

ANYWAY I SEEM TO BE RAMBLING SO IT MUST BE TIME FOR ME TO GO AND GET MY BEAUTY SLEEP......THAT WILL TAKE LOADS OF SLEEP TO ACHEIVE BELIEVE ME!

TAKE CARE ALL MY LOVELY JOURNAL FRIENDS.

JOANNE

PS I HAVE A MASSIVE BAR OF DARK CHOCOLATE TO EAT IN BED TONIGHT!!

 

hello's

A big hello to all my journal buddies!

I must start this entry by appologising for not making an entry in a long time. It had been manic here just lately, with lots of hospital appointments and things going on in general.

Bethany managed to bring a sickness bug home! She was sick Monday morning...baby had it by the afternoon, and Charlie and myself had it all day Wednesday. At least is all over with before the xmas fun starts!

Bryce had an eye check up a couple of weeks ago...they took special photos of his eyes with a machine. Would you believe he cannot focus in one of his eye's! He can see nothing, just colours and light and dark! I told them when he was small i thought there was a problem...i was right....AGAIN!!! We were meant to go to the hospital on Wednesday but had to cancel due to us being ill so have to wait now for another slot. Thank god the other eye seems to be ok. He will need glasses for definate and possibly an operation at some point.

I have excellent news for you all! I had to have a bowel biopsy a couple of weeks ago. I got the results Friday......CLEAR!!!! You cannot believe how worried I have been. Got to go back for a review in 3 months and to the gp as i need medication, but the worry of having cancer has now gone and i can live with the medication! I think this is part of the reason for not doing an entry....i have been on the point of a breakdown due to the worry of what would happen if i didn't get the result I wanted...kept thinking about my babies and what would happen if they did find something nasty. I now have to concentrate on getting my house shipshape for xmas and get back to normal again.

I promise i have been reading all your journals on a daily basis....they have kept me going!!!

I will be back in the week as i will have news for you about bet-bet's cardiac check-up. She was a star this week when we went for the ECG and X-Ray....i was so proud of her! We see the specialist on Thursday so please all of you who pray or talk to god, have a little word with him for me!!

Take care all of you.........I love you all loads and loads!!

Hugs and happy thoughts

good morning to all my friends.

It is so quiet in my house! Charlieboy stayed and mum and dads last night and its soooooooo peacefull here without him. Don't get me wrong, I adore the boy, but at the moment if Charlieboy and Bet-Bet are anywhere near each other it id like a war zone. They act as if they truly hate each other! They grit their teeth and just stare. Its quite scary at times! He will be back later...after Bet-Bet has gone to respite for the afternoon!

I have got loads to do today. Bet-Bet is off for her monthly stay away from home. She will leave in the morning in the taxi for school and come home after school on Wednesday. She enjoys her stays away as she gets to go out after school and have loads of fun. She is into shouting at the top of her voice at the moment! So it will seem really peaceful when she is away.

When she was born it was the worst week of my life. I was so excited to be having a baby, and was convinced it would be a girl. I had a horrendous labour...it lasted 37 hours, she was eventually born with help from the consultant. I was so happy. My ex shouted its a boy! The midwife said no its a girl!! I was totally so happy, in fact it was the happiest moment of my life.

We both got cleaned up and put into a side room. I thought it was strange that they did this...but then thought maybe its because i had a rough time. Mum and Dad came to visit. Bethany was the first grandchild. Mum was as excited as me. While they were with us a Dr came. 'I understand you were concered about your babies eyes', he said to Kevin. 'Her eyes look different to my other 2 when they were born' he replied. so i shouted at him....'WHAT DO YOU EXPECT SHE IS GOING TO LOOK LIKE...SHE HAS JUST BEEN PULLED OUT OF ME WITH BIG BIG LUMPS OF METAL ROUND HER HEAD....MR DR GO AWAY SHE IS FINE!'

So off they all went and i fell fast asleep. when i woke up i looked at Bethany...yes she did look a little different to how i expected. 'Don't be silly your tired and haven't slept for days' I told myself.

well, to cut a long story short the peadiatrician came in the morning, looked at Betbet and decided she needed tests as her heart didn't sound right. When i ,amaged to talk i asked him 'Does my baby have downs syndrome?'....'Yes we think she does...is there anyone we could get to come and sit with you' Yes you guessed right...i was all on my own. No Kevin...no mum and dad...no-one.

They took her off for tests on her heart...wouldn't let me go..apparently i was too upset!! When Kevin finally got there i was in such a state he thought she had died.

It has been hard having to cope with Bethany's downs...i have never really accepted it and probably never ever will, but we get on ok. Kevin isn't here anymore, he decided he would rather be a junkie than a daddy and a husband just after i had charlie.....his lose!

Today is clare and stuarts 5th anniversary.....Have a brilliant day guys! You are my best friend and i thank you for that. Thank you also for letting me into your lives and for allowing me to be Cory's godmother. I will always look out for him.

Tomorrow is Nan's anniversary. 4 years since she left us. I hope you are sleeping well nanny...i think about you everyday. I hope you and grandad are keeping each other warm. SWEET DREAMS FOREVER...SWEET DREAMS. I love you so much.

I hope you all have a truly lovely Sunday. See you all soon. Take care.

love

JOANNE

strange

Well i don't have any idea what is going on with these journals!

Last night mine had dissapeared...completely...and now it has come back again!

Strange!!

I will come do an entry later as Bet-Bet decided to be sick about 30 seconds before she got in her taxi this morning for school and she needs me!

Love and kisses to you all.

Joanne

xxx

 

a will

I haven't added my mood from the above list....as it doesn't include confused.

I have recently been showing signs on a health problem. I finally went to the doctor in the week and have been refered to a neurologist. I came home and decided to look on the web at diagnostic heath thingy's. This was a big mistake! I have all the symptoms of MS. I have managed to convince myself of this. I hope to god it isn't...I have my babies to look after...if something ever happens to me what would happen to them.

The eldest 2's dad walks right past them in the street and doesn't acknowledge them in any way...i do not understand him...i would die if i didn't see them. The babies dad also doesn't have contact...he was a result of contraception that didn't work correctly...this is not an excuse...yes i know i should of been more careful. He's the best thing that has ever happened to me...he's given me a reason to live. Don't get me wrong i totally adore the other 2 and would walk to hell and back for them if needed...but my baby..................

My mum is convinced that my problem isn't neurological. Her mother....my sweet caring adorable nanna...suffered with the same thing...it was a result of furred up arteries. My foot is so painfull at the moment. I could hardly walk on it this morning when i fell out of bed.

Maybe i should just calm down take a deep breath and pull myself together.............sorry i'm writing this how i'm thinking it!

You must all think I am a hypercondriac! I have, if the truth be known been really well for ages, it is hard to be ill when you have three children to look after. I hate asking my mum and dad for help...my clare is good to me. She is the sister i have never had. We are more like sisters than friends thats for sure.

Mum informed me yesterday that i should make a will so if anything ever happened to me the kids would be looked after...who is she trying to kid!! I made enquiries a while ago about one so they would have parental responsability for the kids if anything ever happened. The solicitor told me is wasn't worth the paper it was written on, and if anything ever happened to me the kids "fathers" could apply for guardianship even though they don't see the kids or support them in any way....So I am unsure as to what to do.

I will have to wait for my hospital appointment....haha will still be here in May 2006 waiting for it i expect!!

I hope you all have fantastic weekends.

Love you all too bits.

 

 

fireworks

good morning to everyone.

I hope you are all having a totally brilliant weekend.

Last night i took my son charlie boy to watch banger racing and fireworks at a stadium near to us. We had a totally excellent time. It was lovely to spend quality time with my boy...just the 2 of us... and thousands of other people, who we didn't know so they don't count!

The racing was really good and we saw several car crashes. I felt like i was 10 again. Quite a few of the adults must of thought i was a bit strange as i was jumping about and laughing like all the kids! Never mind you can tell i don't get out enough!!

They also had a stunt attempt. A man tried to drive a robin reliant through 10 caravans that were parked end to end. He only managed to get half way but it was good anyway. I felt quite sorry for him as a few people booed when he failed...I would like to of seen them try!

To finish the evening they had £5000 of fireworks. It was a really great evening and i have promised my boy we will go again soon...although not too much as it then stops being a special treat!

We came home to dear mummy, my babysitter for the evening, and the ONLY person i trust to look after my kids...apart from my bestest friend miss Clarabel!

This is where i become upset and rant and rave...sorry to you all now!

BLOODY PEOPLE WHO SET FIREWORKS OFF TILL MIDNIGHT IN A BUILT UP AREA ARE SO INCONSIDERATE TO OTHERS!!

That feels better already. I have had to sit in my house for the best part of a week now listening to bangers going off at a completely ridiculous hour. It will carry on for days as yet so chances are i will become more and more frustrated on this matter.

What bothers me more than anything is that these fireworks are probably being set off by kids and are not being done the correct way. Don't get me wrong, I enjoy fireworks as much as the next person...in the correct setting!

If i didn't have Bet-Bet and Baby Bryce i probably wouldn't let it wind me up so much, its just that the constant banging disturbs them. Bet-Bet doesn't like the load bangs as she doesn't understand...and Baby is a a baby so he can't work it out either!

Oh well we will have to put up with it for a few more days i expect then we will return to peace and quiet again!

Today is a bit of a sad day for me. It is 19 years since my lovely grandad passed over, so i will be thinking about that a lot today. I will visit mum and give her a great big hug...she will know what it is for. I couldn't imagine my life without them with me...I really don't know what i will do when that day comes. November is a bad month for me as it is also when my nanny died. I always seem to take a big nose dive about now. It always scares me when i feel like this. When nanna first died it tipped me over the edge and i had a full blown breakdown so i worry that it will happen again. i must think positive thought's...please keep reminding me of this! Happy thoughts are better i know but sometimes.......................

I hope you all enjoy your weekend.

Love and hugs to you all

grandad forever in my heart and always in my thoughts...you would of loved my babies...and they would of loved you. miss you still so much. kiss nanny for me. xXx